


I’m not that into you

by Sharing_a_room_with_an_open_fire



Series: Stories 5001 - 10,000 words [1]
Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell, Simon Snow & Related Fandoms
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Romance, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anniversary, Baz Deserves Happiness, Baz cares about Niall, Baz feels the same he just doesn’t know it yet, Baz found hapiness, Baz has troubles understanding emotional cues, Baz is healing, Baz is in love, Baz is precious and kind, Baz needs real support, Baz starts to understand his own feelings, Baz thinks Niall’s muddy blue eyes are ocean blue instead, Baz wishes Niall nothing but hapiness, Best Friends, Bittersweet, Blue Eyes, Both are valid in a relationship, Boys In Love, Crying, Cute Niall, Dark!Simon, Declarations Of Love, Dev has no idea what that is, Dev is a bit dramatic and doesn’t like to be left out of things, Dev is funny, Dev is human so there’s no threat to his life despite Dev’s concerns, Dev isn’t looking forward to being a roommate with dark!Simon, Domestic Bliss, Domestic Fluff, Dorks in Love, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Engagement, Eventual Happy Ending, Falling In Love, Fiona is a loving aunt, First Kiss, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Gay Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Gentle Kissing, Gentle Niall, Getting Together, Happy Ending, He doesn’t know that he is that hapiness, Healing, Heartbreak, Holding Hands, Idiots in Love, Inner struggles and healing, Intimacy, Irish Niall, It takes courage and work to find true happiness, Kissing a hand, Love Confessions, Loving Baz, Loving Niall, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Mentioned Agatha Wellbelove, Mentioned Mage (Simon Snow), Mentioned Malcolm Grimm - Freeform, Mentioned Natasha Grimm-Pitch, Moving In Together, Niall adores Baz, Niall cares about Baz, Niall is in love, Niall is the only one that can give it to him in the right way through love and understanding, Niall is very caring, Niall wants Baz to be happy, Non-Explicit Sex, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Oblivious Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, POV First Person, POV Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Pining Niall, Playlist, Protective Fiona Pitch, Protective Niall, Protective Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Public Display of Affection, Sad Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Sad with a Happy Ending, Sharing a Bed, Simon is a tool and we hate him in this one, Simon is more like the Mage, Slow Romance, Soft Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Sophisticated dating and whatever the bloody hell that is, Supportive Niall, The author can’t state that enough, The author is slightly obsessed with hedgehogs and it shows, This is author’s second fic that mentioned a hedgehog, Trauma, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch Has Feelings, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch Is Gay for Simon Snow, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch in Love, Unrequited Love, Watford Eighth Year, and has been for years, but not for long, domestic life, gentle baz, kissing on the cheek, niall is great, niall is the best, or so it seems, spells, tears of joy, through love and compassion and kindness and time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2020-05-08
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:35:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24063673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sharing_a_room_with_an_open_fire/pseuds/Sharing_a_room_with_an_open_fire
Summary: [Explicit] 18+ characters.”What about the movies?” I ask again, because we got caught up in the moment and never talked it through.I’d have to let Niall know if we’ll need the car in case he’ll be making some plans of his own. (He dates a lot, sort of. It’s not precisely dating.)Simon is suddenly very quiet, frowning.Does he have other plans already? Is there a mission he needs to go on that I don’t know about? (I wish he wouldn’t have to do that — risk his life for nothing.)”Baz, I can’t do more than this,” is what he finally tells me.”What?” I say but I’m not foolish enough to not understand what he means.The bitter reality is creeping into the fairy tale I’ve made up in my own mind.What if Simon was more like the Mage? AKAdark!Simon.Angst with a Happy Ending.
Relationships: Dev & Niall & Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Fiona Pitch & Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Malcolm Grimm & Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Niall & Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Niall/Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Series: Stories 5001 - 10,000 words [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2101026
Comments: 28
Kudos: 68





	I’m not that into you

**Author's Note:**

> After spending some time thinking about how Simon would have been if he was more like the Mage, I came up with this story.  
>   
> It made me cry.  
>   
> It’s sad, it’s bittersweet, it has a happy ending, albeit an unusual one.  
>   
> Please don’t hate me.  
>   
> Playlist Spotify: [I’m not that into you](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6JDGaxu2LKPAwbLaHhWfmD?si=9K2uF3GPSOy2h4RsuQLOGw)  
>   
> So much love to my incredible betas Blue ([mybluebucketofsnow](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mybluebucketofsnow/pseuds/mybluebucketofsnow)) and [Lafeli85](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lafeli85/pseuds/Fool%20of%20a%20Book%20Wyrm).  
>   
> I’ve been away from writing for a little while due to deepened depression. Blue has been _amazing_ and incredibly supportive through this fic and in general such an amazing friend. 💙💙💙  
>   
> And also a thank you to anyone who talked to me on Tumblr. I’m very lonely in quarantine since I don’t have any people around me. Each and every message, no matter how short or insignificant it might have seemed, meant _a lot_ to me. 💙💙💙  
>   
> And apparently, instead of showing gratitude with some nice fluffy ridiculous porn, I give you pain and dark!Simon. Sorry about that.  
>   
> There will be more fluffy ridiculous porn with _kind and loving Simon_ as soon as I feel better.
> 
> * * *

# BAZ

Simon and I have been dating for three months. 

Well, I’m not sure if dating is the right word. He hasn’t acknowledged me publicly yet. 

I’m assuming he isn’t comfortable being out and I'd never push. However, he’s never mentioned the word boyfriend either… (I try not to let that worry me too much.)

”We could go to the movies tomorrow night, I’d drive us to London,” I suggest to Simon since tomorrow is Saturday and we have time. 

Niall said I could borrow his car. 

”No one we know will be there and we don’t need to hold hands. People can assume we’re just friends,” I try and make it easier for him since he isn’t ready to be out.

Simon tugs me into one of his expert kisses, his hands start to roam over me, pulling me whichever way pleases him the most. He always takes what he wants and I’m more than willing to give it to him. I’m in love with him.

By now I’ve learned his body perfectly. 

I know exactly where and how to caress, to kiss, how to make Simon moan the most, how to make him satisfied and panting with lust and pleasure…

Everything we do is as easy and effortless as breathing.

Our minds and bodies are preoccupied with each other for the next several hours. 

I make Simon feel good in every way he likes… taking him in my mouth first and then bending over the headboard of the bed so he can enter me from behind. 

Unfortunately, I can’t see him that way. But he enjoys it more in this position and I like whatever he prefers. 

I don’t dare touch myself until I know Simon is close. (I’m too sensitive after I come.) 

And if I come before him… Well, he doesn’t like to pull out before he's done. Simon likes to come inside me.

Finally, I feel him getting closer. As soon as he’s right on the edge I wrap my hand around myself. I stroke myself until I’m done too while Simon calms down from his high.

Afterwards, he sinks back into the mattress next to me, still catching his breath. We’re both breathless.

My wand is lying on the bed, I pick it up and clean us up with magic, casting **_”Cleaner than before!”_ ** on both of us. (It’s powerful and much more effective than **Clean as a whistle**.)

After I lay down and turn to face him. There are a few stray hairs stuck to his forehead. I carefully move them away with my fingertips and kiss him.

At this moment everything feels absolutely perfect. It’s Simon and me — _together_.

”What about the movies?” I ask again, because we got caught up in the moment and never talked it through. 

I’d have to let Niall know if we’ll need the car in case he’ll be making some plans of his own. (He dates a lot, sort of. It’s not precisely dating.)

Simon is suddenly very quiet, frowning. 

Does he have other plans already? Is there a mission he needs to go on that I don’t know about? (I wish he wouldn’t have to do that — risk his life for nothing.)

”Baz, I can’t do more than this,” is what he finally tells me.

”What?” I say but I’m not foolish enough to not understand what he means. 

The bitter reality is creeping into the fairy tale I’ve made up in my own mind. 

It’s my own fault, not his. There were no promises made. I let myself believe...

But Simon doesn’t want me, not like that, not for a relationship. 

”Agatha is my future, not you. Besides, I can’t be seen with you, even as friends. The Mage would never approve,” he finally mumbles, turning away.

Oh…

I thought maybe he’d comment on me being a vampire (he does kill creatures after all) or a bloke that can’t give him children (Fiona could probably help though). 

Wellbelove would have given him very British looking children. That is, of course, something that might be expected from a Chosen One in England — to have proper British children, even in our day and age. 

I simply assumed that it wouldn't have mattered to Simon since he seemed to be alright with me…

Somehow this is more painful because he chooses an uninterested twat over me. The Mage pays Simon zero attention until it’s time to use him to kill whatever creature he wants to kill. 

Sure he lets Simon stay with him for the summer but that is his obligation as a legal guardian. Besides the Mage only does it because he’s been on a killing spree for the last seven years of any creature he dislikes. Simon spends all summer killing.

Yet, his approval is more important than us.

”No worries, Snow. I wouldn’t have it any other way,” I say and can almost feel my heart breaking into irreparable pieces.

He turns his gaze back to me and gifts me with the smile I fell in love with. ”I’m glad you understand what this is. I should never have doubted you.” 

I smile weakly back and let him kiss me. It burns like acid, everywhere he touches... 

Aleister Crowley, I’ve made a terrible mistake.

That night I decided that I won’t let him do this to me anymore. I want more than a few hours in bed. He can’t even stand for people thinking we’re just friends, that’s how ashamed of me he is.

As soon as Simon falls asleep with his back to me (he doesn’t like touching me when we aren’t having sex), I get up, get dressed and leave. 

While I walk down two floors, the treacherous tears are slipping free. I brush them away and pretend that I'm not crying.

As I arrive by Niall and Dev’s room, I linger by the door for a few moments, trying to compose myself. The tears stopped running at the very least.

Niall knows about us. Not on purpose. I haven’t been blubbering to people about us. I presumed Simon wasn’t ready to be out. I assumed wrong. It’s me he didn’t want to be out with.

There were marks on my collarbone. (I won’t be calling them love bites — not anymore.) 

Niall saw one day after practice and guessed who was responsible for that.

” _For Crowley’s sake, Baz_ , what the hell are you thinking?” 

”It’s nothing,” I tried to deflect, knowing it probably wouldn’t work. Niall knew for years about my feelings for Simon. (I told him the day I realized that myself.)

”It’s a bad idea, mate,” he told me, frowning.

”I know that much myself,” I responded because I was well aware that I’m not even a person. Why would Simon choose me?

”It won’t work out. You won’t have a life. Snow will run to Wellbelove when the time comes. You understand that, right?” I could see the worry on his face.

”Who said that I want one?” I said but we both knew I was lying.

Niall didn’t say anything but he gave me a look that spoke volumes. He was against it, I knew that much.

”You don’t want one,” I blurted out in a final attempt to change the subject. 

Niall just huffed at me, ”That’s different. I don’t want to be stuck in a loveless marriage for the rest of my life.” I guess I wasn’t too surprised to hear that. He told me once that he wasn't going to fall in love with anyone he’s seeing, when I asked him about it.

We didn’t fight. We never fight. 

As time went by Simon was more gentle, more loving. (At least that’s how it seemed. Well, we did spend a lot of time in bed and he was always kinder in bed.) I started to hope for something… for a life with him. 

I couldn't have been more wrong...

I take a long breath, settle my face to an acceptable neutral expression and knock. Dev is away for the weekend. (Dev doesn’t know.)

” _Baz_ , is everything alright?” Niall asks as soon as he opens the door and sees my face. (Perhaps I’m not as good at hiding my feelings as I thought I was.)

I don’t answer and glance behind me to see if there are any people around.

Niall then moves out of my way and lets me get inside. He looks worried. I feel anxious. 

”There is something I’d like to discuss with you,” I start cautiously after he closes the door.

He knows that something is wrong, his eyes are warm towards me, but there is an edge to his expression. 

Niall is waiting for the bad news. (He probably suspects it has something to do with Simon due to all the secrecy in the hall.)

”Let's sit down first, yeah?” He suggests and we both get seated on his bed. I try to concentrate on feeling the fabric of his sheets with my fingertips and let that calm me down. It’s not working.

We sit in silence for a while. I have no idea how to bring the subject up or what to say and keep avoiding his eyes...

Eventually, he asks in a soft tone. 

”Baz… Did something happen between you and Snow?”

This is what I wanted to talk about, but I am at a loss for words. I nod instead and feel fresh tears prickling in my eyes.

I hear him exhale heavily, his voice shifting and getting erratic, ”Did he… Did he hurt you?”

That’s not what I was expecting him to ask. 

I look at him then. ”No, of course not. Simon would never do that,” I state with full conviction that at least something like that would never have transpired between us. 

”Alright, but something _has_ clearly happened,” he responds and continues his line of questioning, ”Baz… Has he hurt you in a way that isn't physical?”

I look away. I want to tell him, yet I feel ashamed to utter the words. Niall warned me about this, hadn’t he? He told me Simon wasn’t serious about me… (Niall knows that I’m in love with Simon.)

After a pause, I clear my throat and try to clarify, ”It’s not like that exactly… I—” I have no idea how to explain. I know how; I simply have troubles stating it out loud.

He moves closer to me, takes my trembling hand in his. 

”Baz, whatever it is you want to tell, I will listen and I won’t say anything if that’s what you need. Whatever you need.” 

This isn’t just blanked support. 

It’s also his way of stating that he isn’t going to bring up our old conversation. There won’t be an ’I told you so’. 

I knew that much myself. He’d never do that to me.

He’s warm, his hand is steady around mine. It gives me confidence I need to proceed.

”Niall,” I say, looking into his eyes and swallowing. ”Will you marry me if I need you to?” It wasn’t what I was planning to say, (I wanted to ask him to drive me to my aunt’s for the weekend.) 

But as the words came out, I realized that it should have been...

My best friend doesn’t even blink, ”Yes.”

He gives my hand a light squeeze and gives _me_ a long sympathetic yet questioning look, ”Do you need me to?”

”I don’t know,” I admit, squeezing his hand back, feeling it’s smooth texture against mine — it helps to calm me down a bit. 

I think it’s time to live, (or as much as what I am can be called living). 

Niall is quiet, waiting for me to gather my thoughts and continue. He never pushes, never puts words in my mouth, he lets me be myself.

”I want to have a life,” I finally confess to him. At first I wonder if he actually knows what I mean. _Does_ he even remember our conversation?

But when I gaze into his eyes, I think he does — there is so much intensity and something else, I can’t quite place. 

”Well then,” he states calmly and composed despite seeming emotional. ”I should call my parents, tell them the good news.”

”You’d really do that?” I exclaim in almost sheer disbelief. I wasn’t sure because it’s a life long commitment (we marry for life in the World of Mages). There’s also a not so small fact of us not being in love. I feel selfish for suggesting this.

Niall scoots even closer to me and puts his other arm around me. I move my own arm to his back. It’s a bit of an awkward angle since we’re still holding hands. 

The hug itself isn’t awkward at all. It feels right. All our hugs always feel right. They don’t send a shiver down my spine, but they feel meaningful in a different way — in my heart.

”We’ve been friends since we were four, Basil. I care about you. That isn’t something that vanishes with time — it’s _forever_ ,” he mumbles into the crook of my neck.

Despite that, I’m still anxious because Niall is my best friend and I yearn for him to be happy. ”What if you meet someone and fall in love? I’d rob you of true happiness.”

I feel him take a deep breath. ”I’m not going to fall in love with someone, Baz. I can tell you this with one hundred percent certainty. You’re my only true happiness,” he states determined, and adds while his voice trembles a bit, ” You’re my best friend.”

”And you are mine,” I whisper and lean into him.

The longer we sit like this in each other's arms, the more I melt into the sensation of the companionship Niall and I have. The union we’re about to be bound with. It’s honest, it’s a missing fraction. Something I didn’t know I needed. 

Truth be told, I haven’t given marriage much thought because for a long time I suspected Simon would never wish to marry me and I never thought beyond that.

However, now pressed tightly into Niall — the person I trust the most, someone I love, I realize that this is what I really want. I want us to build a life together. I want this to be a real marriage; and I want everything one can share in a marriage.

”I’m worried that I’m taking advantage of you,” I admit because even though I now realize that this is what I want, I feel ashamed to put my burden on Niall.

”You’re not. I want you,” he speaks with resolution and I believe he means it.

”I’m not okay… right now… It might be more work than you think,” I admit.

I feel his arm tighten around my back, ”You’re worth it.”

His words spread glee throughout my whole body. (I hardly deserve that.)

I inhale deeply and then again. 

Eventually, I’m being lulled by the scent of his skin and his steady pulse, his breath is warm against my neck; it’s both soothing and powerful all at once.

I’m grateful for not having the need to see his eyes while saying what I’m about to say.

”What kind of marriage do you have in mind?” I ask a bit uncertain.

”Whatever you prefer, I want as well,” he whispers and brushes my hand with his fingers.

”I'd like for this to be a traditional marriage in all senses when I feel... better,” I state worriedly, ”What do you want?” 

Niall’s heart rate increases and I’m not sure if it’s good or bad news he’s going to tell me.

”I’d like that too,” he says and I feel his eyes close against my skin, his heart racing even faster. 

I know that for Niall I will be one of many. 

Yet it doesn’t make me feel cheap, because we’ve been best friends since our childhood. What we have means a lot to the both of us.

”I’m not sure how long... I mean _when_ exactly I can—” 

”Don’t you dare worry about that,” he cuts in and tightens his hold around me again.

”Until then… In the meanwhile, you can still see other people,” I offer because he isn’t exactly celibate, to put it mildly. (He has a much more liberal approach to sex than I ever did.)

Niall lifts his head then, looks me in the eyes and moves his hand over to cup my cheek. ”No need. I’m all in. I won’t be cheating on you, Baz.”

” _Niall_. It isn’t cheating. It’s—”

His tumb brushes against my lips before I get to say anything else.

”It is for me. I take this seriously. I mean it — I’m devoted to you and only you from now on. I’m _yours_ forever,” he says determined and adds with a smirk. ”Besides, there’s this amazing invention called lube. Anyone can use it, even solo, for the rest of our lives if needed.”

I chuckle, a juvenile kind of laugh. Niall is choosing me, despite what I am, despite how I feel at the moment, despite Simon, despite everything.

The lack of intimate time in the bedroom won’t be the case forever. 

It’s a temporary set back, until I feel better; until I get over Simon a little, which will take time. I’ll never get over him fully. (I don’t think that's possible.) 

But I will to an extent. I know that I will. After all, my father managed after Mother died.

I may not be in love with Niall, but I do love him and I trust him unconditionally. I know that the day I feel better, I will want to share more with him — to share everything.

”You’re incredible. You are aware of that, I hope,” is what I eventually say, when the laughter has died down.

He kisses me on my nose then and it has no right to feel as good as it does. 

I’m still half-hysterical, ready to cry at any moment. I _will_ be crying soon enough; as soon as these good feelings settle down. 

Yet, for now, I let myself have it and relish in this joy.

”I learned from the best,” he answers with a smile. ”So who’s proposing to whom exactly?”

”Perhaps I should do the honour,” I suggest, ”Unless you are keen on duelling three of my family members.”

”I wouldn’t mind either way. However, if we want to keep this private and I’m assuming we do,” he starts and looks at me for confirmation. 

I nod. 

I don’t want there to be too many people involved. Not when there is still a risk that I won’t appear as presentable and happy as I should before a magickal proposal.

”Then you do it. I’m not bothered by a small proposal spell.” That is Niall's way of stating that I don’t need to save up on magic.

”I might need about two weeks. I want to use my mother’s spell. Would you mind? It is a bit outdated...” I admit. 

”I’d be honoured, Baz,” he smiles at me, a big and kind smile, full of warmth. He knows how much Mother’s memory means to me.

I press my face into him. ”Thank you,” I murmur against his skin and kiss his cheek. 

”Baz… Would you rather I stopped spelling my eyes so as not to be a reminder?” he asks me cautiously because he spells them a variation of _blue._

Simon calls Niall’s eyes muddy blue. They aren’t. 

They are ocean blue… deep and beautiful...

”It's so kind of you to offer but I like your eyes,” I answer and add,”They only make me think of you.”

”Good to know.” I feel him smile and I press myself more into him. His pulse is buzzing through my skin in a safe and wonderful way.

I feel loved. And this time it’s not my brain playing a cruel joke on me — it’s real.

* * *

We visit my mother’s tomb together. (I wanted to tell her in person, so to speak.)

”There is something else I wanted to ask you,” I state nervously while we’re still next to Mother because there are thoughts invading my head that I can’t control at the moment...

He gives my hand a light squeeze, ”Ask away.”

I’m nervous and feel silly to speak about this now…

So I stare down on our joined hands and brush Niall’s hand with my fingers and try to settle my nerves with that… Our touches always feel so nice...

”Do you want to have children?” I finally ask and glance up at him.

He watches me, serious when answering, ”I don’t _need_ children.”

What does that mean exactly?

”But if you could choose what you wanted...” I try carefully.

Niall's face is still serious, too serious, ”Why do you ask?”

”Well… I think my aunt would help us… I mean… If we wanted to…” 

Does _he_ want to?

”If it’s possible, I want to have children with you,” he replies hurriedly and smiles.

”Are you sure?” 

He gazes in my eyes with so much tenderness and something else, I’m not sure I understand what that is, ”I want everything with you.”

I swing my arms around him and I sink into him high on all the happiness in my heart, (I know I will feel sad and heartbroken later, but right now I let myself have this — thoughts of our future).

”I do too,” I whisper against his cheek. 

Niall drives me to Fiona that same night, so I can stay with her for two weeks to save up on magic for the proposal.

”Do you want me to stay with you? I can talk my parents into letting me miss school. It’s only for two weeks,” he offers.

”Thank you, but no. I think I need some time to be alone. I have a lot to think about,” I confess without mentioning that I have some crying to do alongside thinking.

Besides, Fiona would interrogate him about everything if he stays. 

”Whatever you need,” he says and I hug him, holding on to him tight. Niall hugs me back. (He always does.)

”This is what I need — _you,_ ” I whisper in his hair, ”In two weeks.”

”You always have me. I’ll see you then,” he responds and places the softest kiss on my cheek before he leaves.

My aunt doesn’t question my need to be out of school and calls Miss Possibelf to excuse me from lessons on my behalf. 

However, when I tell Fiona that I’m saving magic, she puts two and two together rather quickly.

”Are you scheming something or are you planning to propose?” she asks, raising her eyebrow at me and laughing.

”I am going to propose,” I admit. However, scheming might be the right word for it as well.

” _Basil_ ,” my aunt exclaims in glee and pulls me into a hug, ”Have you met a bloke?”

”In a manner of speaking,” I say and worry what she’ll think of this idea.

”Who is it? Tell me everything,” she demands.

”Niall,” I inform her a bit cautiously.

Fiona narrows her eyes at me, ”What? When did the two of you start dating?”

”We never did,” I declare as calmly as I can.

She seems puzzled for a moment. ”Then why?” she asks and suddenly looks vivid,”Is this Malcolm’s doing? I’m not going to let him bully you into a marriage.”

I interrupt her before she gets into a rant or even worse, starts cursing my father right on the spot. (She’s powerful enough for most curses to carry the distance.)

”Fiona. This has nothing to do with Father.” She locks eyes with me, trying to catch me in a lie. There aren’t any. ”I want to marry Niall. I want us to be a family, him and I.”

My aunt exhales, ”Alright, boyo.” But then asks in confusion, ”Why so soon? You’re both still in school. There’s no hurry.”

”I—” I swallow again because I’m too nervous and continue, avoiding her eyes.” There is, well, was someone else… Someone I’m still in love with who isn’t… Well, he didn’t want more than...”

My voice is trailing off because I’m ashamed to admit that I let someone use me like that, and foremost because I’m too weak to regret anything that happened between Simon and me.

” _Basil—_ ” Fiona tries to speak, her voice too emotional; she understands what I’m trying to say. I then interrupt her yet again. I need to get everything out and be done with it once and for all.

”He has too much power over me. This is the only way I’ll ever have a life and I want one with Niall, specifically,” I breathe it all out in one go and exhale slowly, my heart is pounding too fast. 

It’s not healing to let things out — it’s _painful_. It makes me feel broken and pitiful. It makes me want to cry. (I don’t — not now, later when I’m alone and a silencing spell is cast.)

Fiona’s jaw tenses. Something flashes in her eyes. Something dangerous. ”Tell me who he is.”

”It doesn’t matter,” I say because I won’t let anyone hurt Simon.

”It very well matters, _Tyrannus_ Basilton. I’m going to curse him in a way he’ll regret for the rest of his life, in a permanent way for breaking your heart,” using my grandfather’s name means she’s very serious and won’t back down easily.

”Let it go,” I plead with her, ”I simply want to forget him.”

It’s not the truth, but not a lie either. I _want_ to forget Simon. At the same time I’m well aware that I probably never will.

My aunt gives me a tense, demanding stare, filled with love and concern. She’s trying to wind me to talk, she’s tenacious. However, I don’t crumble under her gaze.

”It’s better that way, trust me,” I finally say.

Fiona looks me over, assessing the situation. (Assessing how stubborn I'm going to be about this whole ordeal.) 

After a moment, she takes out a fag, lights it with her fingertip and takes a few puffs.

”Niall is a nice bloke,” she finally says, blowing out smoke. ”I always liked him. Never thought it’d be this kind of relationship for the two of you through.”

I want to argue, but she doesn’t let me. ”But if you’re happy with the arrangement Basil then I’m happy too.”

”I am. Niall is my best friend, I love him. I want this,” I acknowledge it firmly enough for her to know I mean it. Then I add, ”Thank you.”

Fiona nods and seems satisfied. 

”I’m assuming that I’m going to be providing you two with children,” she states overly casual and gazes at me tentatively.

This is Fiona’s way of inquiring if we want to have children or not.

”You’re assuming correctly,” I declare and wait for her response. I think she’ll do it, but I am still nervous…

”Alright then,” she says through a haze of smoke. ”This is my last one.” My aunt peers almost regretfully at the fag in her hand.

* * *

Niall drives up to Fiona’s two weeks later.

I’m wearing a suit because I’m taking today seriously. Greenish black with a bit of silver with a blood-pink tie. (I needed a bit of colour with my complexion being what it is.)

When I open the door to greet him, he looks at me and smiles. He’s wearing a suit too — black with a dark green tie. (He asked beforehand what colours I was going to wear.) 

Niall is beautiful and the suit only adds to that. His fair skin has a hint of pink and it looks lovely against the dark suit, his beautiful long brown hair is combed just the way I like it. 

”Hi, beautiful stranger,” he finally says and winks at me.

”Hi,” I smile back nervously and reach for him. He embraces me with both arms and my nerves start to settle down.

”You look stunning,” I say when we pull apart.

”I need to work hard when standing next to you,” he tells me and I feel a blush creep up my cheeks. (I’ve drained a deer back in Hampshire earlier today.)

I’m not used to hearing compliments outside of the bedroom. It makes me a bit flustered. 

”Thank you,” I murmur and hug him again.

We leave for the loveliest meadow I found in a forest just outside London.

As we get out of the car, I take Niall’s hand and lead us to the right spot. 

It’s late autumn, most flowers have wilted and it wouldn't have been as beautiful and joyful as I wanted it to so I asked my aunt for help. (Well, she kept asking me what she could do until I suggested this.)

Fiona was here earlier today and cast **_“April showers!”_ ** so everything is in bloom again. It takes a lot of magic — flowers take life.

While I was saving my magic for the magickal proposal, she saved hers too, for the occasion. 

”My aunt did this. What do you think?” I turn to him and ask with worry because I have no idea if this is just something only I find fitting.

”It’s beautiful, Baz,” he exclaims, awestruck, ”And perfect — new beginning... for _us_.”

”Yes,” I manage to mumble because I’m on the brink of tears. That is exactly how I feel too. We’re always in sync...

Niall and I are standing in front of each other. I look into his eyes and there aren’t any uncomfortable angles since we’re the same height. I like that.

”Niall, you’re my best friend and I love you,” I say, still holding his hand as I start with the magickal proposal.

I propose, using my mother’s spell. (Father did not exactly approve but he didn’t stand in my way either.)

Niall brings my hand to his lips and kisses it — slow and gentle, ”I feel the same about you, Baz. I love you.”

It’s not strictly a scandal. There aren’t any illegitimate children involved. Niall is from a respectable family; him being Irish isn’t a stigma anymore, not in our time. (Not that I would care about that.)

”Soon there won’t be anything British left in your line,” Niall chuckles and I smile at him.

If I were to propose to Simon it would have been a scandal. He has no family, no one knows where he came from, he _is_ dangerous since he can’t control his power and ends up blowing up parts of buildings whenever he loses his temper. I try no to think that if I could have, I would still have proposed to him, I would have done it in a heartbeat. I wouldn’t have cared about anything anyone might think, because I’m in love with him. I would have risked losing my whole family for him.

Nevertheless, that is behind me now. He was never going to choose me and I am finally making a good choice of my own. I’m going to live.

I’m choosing Niall — someone I care about and who cares about me.

However, what is considered unusual and close to a scandal is the fact that it's too early for a magickal engagement since we’re still in school. 

That is the whole point.

For a long time, the magickal proposal was qualified as good as marriage. Back when mages were hunted down and burned at the stake there was not always an option for finesse, grand features and big parties.

An outdated rule states that two people bound by the magickal proposal are allowed to share quarters at school. 

This is obviously from those times when men got higher education and not women. There weren’t any roommates back then since there weren’t many magicians. Therefore, the happy couple could share quarters during school or be assigned a room next to the staff that was more common.

Regardless, the rule is there even if nobody uses it anymore. 

We will use it. I can’t share a room with Simon, not after everything that happened, not after he made it perfectly clear that I'm only good for one thing. (It was humiliating, it made me feel worthless, it still does.)

Furthermore, the far bigger issue here is that I worry that despite not wanting to be with him anymore I might be weak enough to let him have me whenever he wanted to anyway. I could never deny Simon anything, I know that too well.

He looks at me and his eyes are magic — pulling me in. I give him anything he wants.

It would inevitably break everything inside me that still bears any resemblance of being alive. There won't be a ’me’ left. 

And, most importantly, I can’t do that to Niall, not now when we decided to be together… I want to be with him. I may not have understood it before, but I know it now.

* * *

Niall and I aren’t going for a romantic dinner after the proposal.

”I want to go to the movies instead,” I admit to him.

He doesn’t know what exactly happened with Simon and me that night. He is, however, not stupid.

He takes my hand in his and kisses me on my cheek, ”Movies sound splendid, darling.”

This isn't a joke. He isn’t making a mockery of our union. We're now a family and we always will be.

We aren’t in love, Niall and I, but we do love each other. He has never been ashamed of me for anything and he supports me — always. We support each other. 

”We just got engaged,” he declares with joy to a complete stranger outside of the movie theatre.

Niall is holding my hand the whole evening.

* * *

There is no magickal proposal night spent in bed. (Do people do that?)

Well, we do sleep together, simply not like _that_. 

This isn’t the first time we’re going to be sharing a bed. However, the circumstances have changed. 

It should feel awkward, but it doesn’t. We’re both wearing pyjamas. Maybe if we weren’t it would have been different since it’s all so new.

One day we won’t be wearing anything at all. Not yet...

”You should never feel that you have to — _never_ ,” he whispers hurriedly in the dark, almost as if we’re arguing. We aren’t. But I know why he’s doing it. 

I want to answer yet I feel speechless. Niall always knows what to say to sooth my nerves.

”Do you understand? Even if it never happens,” He keeps going.

”Yes,” I whisper back and snuggle closer into him with his arm around my shoulder. (It feels nice to be close to him.)

I’m not ready and we both know it. I might not be ready for a long time. 

Niall is right and for my own peace of mind and sanity I need to _want_ it, truly want it. That won’t happen quickly. (Some wounds take longer to heal than others.)

It’s nothing against Niall. He’s lovely and kind and passionate. It’s me. But he is willing to wait, for however long it takes.

When I wake up the next morning, his arm is still around me. 

”Good Morning, darling,” he yawns as he stirs against me. 

I spent years wishing Simon would call me that — he never did.

Niall has always been gentle with me, he’s never used me for anything. My love for him is different but it means just as much.

”May I kiss you?” I ask while I still feel courageous from everything that happened, letting myself embrace all the good.

”You don’t have to,” he answers right away.

”I know that, but I want to try. That is...only if you want to,” I let out just in case. Maybe he doesn’t want me like that.

He’s gazing into my eyes now, all sleep is gone from him in an instance. ”I do.” 

So I pull myself up a bit and hover over him before lowering my face and placing a chaste kiss on his lips, warm, just like the rest of him. I am warm too from sleeping curled into him.

It feels good and I’m not bothered by such trivial things as morning breath.

It’s my first kiss with anyone other than Simon and it’s a vastly different experience. 

Niall’s lips are soft and welcoming, yet not demanding. He’s letting me lead, give and take as I wish.

There are no fireworks. Though, it might be for the best. What Simon and I had almost ended in flames — with me burning alive.

This is safe and delicate and it feels nice. This is something we can build a life on.

”Was that alright?” I ask after, as I lay down and nuzzle back into him.

”Wonderful,” he whispers and kisses the top of my head. ”And for you?”

I turn to face him and state with resolution, ”It was wonderful, _yes_.” I get a soft smile in return.

We call Miss Possibelf and inform her about our engagement.

When Niall and I arrive back to school on Sunday evening, we wait for Dev at their room.

Niall swings his arm around my shoulder in an overly casual manner as soon as Dev enters.

Dev narrows his eyes at us, ”What am I missing here?”

I clear my throat and speak as a matter of fact as possible, ”I proposed to Niall yesterday.”

”You did what?” he almost yells at us. ”Why was I not told about this before?” 

Then he flashes Niall a scowl, ”You told me it was a family emergency and couldn’t say more, which is ridiculous since _I’m_ family. But I assumed it had something to do with Fiona…”

I take Niall’s hand and clutch it. ”Niall _is_ my family,” I cut in while my stress levels skyrocket.

”Yeah… I understand that. But you two should have told me,” Dev presses.

My pulse is raising, this is going to be harder than I thought. I’m suddenly at a loss for words and Niall must have sensed it. He knows the _real_ me better than anyone.

”It wasn’t planned beforehand, a spur of the moment event.”

”Really?” Dev seems perplexed by this statement and he’s right to be. He knows very well that neither of us is the spontaneous type. Niall is laying it on fairly thick. 

”We decided two weeks ago and wanted for it to be a surprise,” Niall says.

Dev shakes his head, ”But why now? We’re still in school.”

”What can I say, Dev. We simply got cut up in our emotions,” he states with perfect composure. It isn’t a lie per se. Emotions were indeed involved in the decision-making process. However, not the kind Dev has in mind.

Eventually, he glances at us with suspicion in his eyes.

”How long were the two of you dating behind my back?”

Niall doesn’t even flinch, ”Oh, I wouldn’t call it dating. We’re more sophisticated than that.”

Again not a lie. Dev can’t know the real reason, no one can. I don’t want him piecing together the truth and possibly my aunt finding out about Simon.

”You two own me an apology dinner,” he finally mumbles. And then adds with a triumphant smirk, ”Dinner at _my_ place of choice.”

Dev is going to make us eat at some atrocious location, I know that much.

”Of course, anywhere you’d like,” I agree because we are keeping secrets and I do feel bad about it.

I can feel Niall shake with laughter.

”He got us there, darling,” he tries speaking while still laughing and kisses my cheek.

I lean into him because I like that, our intimacy, our touches, our jokes. 

We may not have what Simon and I had physically yet but we have something better — respect, trust and love, albeit a different kind.

After we tell Dev about the living arrangements he goes livid.

”Are you telling me that I have to share the room with Snow?”

”On the bright side, you’ll have an ensuite,” I try my best to cheer him up.

That stops him right in the middle of boiling over with outrage.

He narrows his eyes at us, ”Fine, one perk.” After a while he mumbles, ”At least it’d be good for wanking.”

” _See_ ,” Niall chuckles. ”There’s always a bright side to everything.”

”You still own me for this, for everything,” he starts folding his finger as he goes. ”For sneaking around for who knows how long with your sophisticated dating, whatever the bloody hell that is, for planning the engagement behind my back and only including me after the fact and the most important thing — for making me share a room with Snow.”

He stops and then adds as an afterthought, ”I hope he won't kill me in my sleep.”

It’s not my job to tell Dev that Simon is a good person. Besides, I’m worried he’ll get suspicious if I say that.

”I’m sure he won’t, Dev. You’re human,” I try not to think too much as to why that last sentence makes my heart ache with pain.

* * *

”Do you want me to come with you, to help you pack?” Niall asks me before I leave for my old room.

I’ve already decided that I want to do this on my own. I want to face Simon alone. Otherwise, he’ll have a hold on me forever.

”Thank you, but I need to do this alone.” I answer and hug him, then add, ”Could you be nearby?”

”Of course I will be. Should I wait for you at the end of the stairs?” He suggests taking my hand.

”Yes, please.”

We walk together. Niall stays behind while I climb the stairs to the top of the Tower.

Simon is wide-eyed and furious, glaring and scowling when I enter the room.

He accosted me as soon as I came back to pack.

There weren’t any quarters available and since we’re both blokes the suggestion was to simply switch roommates.

Niall and I got to choose the room since we’re the one engaged and weren’t offered separate quarters next to teachers as it was customary.

Simon never had a real home, I couldn't take the room top of the Tower from him. Besides, it’s not like Niall and I were planning to have sex yet, we don’t need the en suite.

”Are the Old Families making you do it?”

”Do what?” I inquire, pretending there isn’t a pang in my chest.

”To get married to _him_ ,” he spits out.

I want to sneer. 

Unfortunately, I don’t have it in me. I am trying to keep my voice calm and composed, despite my hands trembling, ”Don’t be ridiculous, Snow. I don’t let other people make me do anything.”

”Then why? Why would you do this? You’re not…” he trails off, unwilling to say the words. 

Simon knows that I’m in love with him. 

I was foolish enough to tell him that one night. 

We were making love, or at least it seemed to me as if we were. He was inside me, his hips moving slow and unhurried. He was facing me for once and my legs curled around him, pressing him tighter, pushing him into me — as if we were one, connected through love. 

Simon kissed my neck and whispered in my ear, ”You’re so fit.”

”Simon... I’m in love with you,” I let the words slip from my lips before I knew what I was doing. 

He kissed me then, with so much passion, I thought it was his way of saying it back.

Much later, I realized he just wanted to stop the conversation. Apparently, I’m easily distracted with a kiss.

Every time I would bring up anything remotely relationship connected, we’d end up having sex instead. 

Once, I asked him if he wanted to be my boyfriend. (It was in the beginning, one month in.)

Simon snogged me for a good ten minutes, making me lose myself completely into him. 

He turned me around after and pushed me against the door. 

While he was pounding into me, he kept praising me over and over again. (Those were the only times he was ever soft with me.)

”Just look at you, Baz. You’re so hot like this.”

”You feel so good, tight around me.”

I’ve never been with anyone before him because I’ve only ever wanted Simon. 

That means that I had no idea what behaviour indicated what feelings, not exactly. 

If I were to think properly, I might have realised what it all meant earlier, put all the pieces together and could have been prepared for the bitter reality.

But I wasn’t. I was too busy being giddy on happiness. Simon paying me any attention, him kissing me, making love to me instead of fighting me.

He wasn’t, making love that is. He was fucking me while I was stupidly in love with him.

Of course, I didn’t know it at the time. Despite having top marks in every subject at school, I’m still not very bright am I?

I guess, my suggestion about the movies was the last straw for him.

”No, we aren’t in love,” I answer without letting my voice tremble. 

”Then what the hell are you doing?” He gives me a dubious face and steps closer. 

Before he gets to say anything else or try to kiss me, I continue. ”But we love each other and we respect each other,” I try not to state that as an accusation.

I must have succeeded because he goes for my hips and I swirl out of his grasp. 

”Niall and I are engaged to be married. We’ll have _a_ _life_ together. You can’t do that anymore,” I say with as much force as I can without raising my voice.

He looks so angry that despite saying that I didn’t want Niall here with me, I open the door and walk out. (I’m too agitated to be alone with him.)

”Niall, could you be so kind and help me pack?” I call for him trying to do so without showing my distress. I can feel Simon behind me.

”I'll be right there, darling,” he gives me a smile and then glares behind my back and climbs the stairs hurriedly.

Simon went back to Wellbelove that same week.

He makes a show of it too. I pretend not to notice.

Niall has been the best support through this whole ordeal.

Whenever Simon tries to make me jealous, Niall takes my hand and kisses it gently (he isn’t making a spectacle of it, it’s subtle and it’s done out of love) and then whispers complete nonsense in my ear, effectively making me chuckle a real laugh. 

It makes Simon fume with fury, face flushed and angry.

* * *

One morning I wake up to a scent of freshly brewed coffee right next to me.

As I open my eyes, I see Niall climbing into bed with a cup of coffee.

”What time is it?” I ask and wonder if I overslept and missed breakfast.

He always goes out of his way trying not to wake me whenever he’s up before me. A few times I did sleep for too long and he brought food up for us instead. 

I felt like a burden when that happened. Niall called me a blessing instead. Lately, I’ve been rethinking and revaluation what gentle and loving really is... Niall is both. 

”It’s still early. I snuck into the kitchen, because the mug was delivered yesterday,” he explains with delight in his voice although it makes very little sense to me.

”Sorry?” 

He hands me the cup then and I see the loveliest hedgehog painted on it. 

I feel tears prickling in my eyes, tears of _joy._ I had a pet hedgehog briefly right after my mother died. I spend hours crying and pouring my heart to my pet. (It was easier to talk to animals than people. It still is at times.)

Niall remembered that. He knows me better than anyone, the _real_ me.

” _Niall…_ This is amazing... _You’re_ amazing.” I’m at a loss for words.

”I know how much you loved the one you had, how much that meant to you. This can be a reminder,” he says with a smile.

It’s an incredible gift, thoughtful and meaningful. (It’s better than mine — I got him concert tickets for a band he likes.)

After a brief pause as I finally manage to gather myself and my thoughts, I let out, ”Thank you. It means the world to me.”

Niall looks at me with his beautiful ocean blue eyes (the most lovely and extraordinary blue I’ve ever seen).

”Happy six months anniversary,” he says and I smile back at those wonderful words. 

Us together has been the best choice I’ve ever made. Not only because it’s _Niall_ , who’s been my best friend since we were four years old and who is the kindest person I’ve ever met. 

It’s also because my feelings have changed through the six months we’ve been together. 

No, not changed. Perhaps evolved would be a better word for it. I’m not quite sure how to state that the right way. What I felt for Niall for years hasn’t gone away, it simply starts to make more sense now. 

There was more under the surface that I hadn’t noticed. Something that bloomed behind everything else. Something that finally starts to come through. I’m falling in love with Niall. (I think it started years ago. I was simply too blinded by my feelings for someone else to realize it.)

Niall doesn’t know yet. Sometimes I wonder if he could feel the same, but I’m not sure. I don’t want to bring it up for now. The thought of doing it scares me. I will...one day...

I place the cup — _my_ new cup, down on the nightstand and reach for Niall. He meets me halfway wrapping his arms around me. I caress his face, letting my fingers brush gently along his cheeks, jaw and lips.

He closes his eyes and exhales slowly, looking happy and satisfied. He always enjoys any contact at all from me. (Even though it’s not sex.)

I enjoy this too. I like the feel and the scent of his soft skin and how good this intimacy is for both of us; how he wants it, how I do it only because I want to and not because I also need to please him. 

Niall never demands of me to please him and he never takes anything. 

Instead, he waits for me to give what I want, whenever I want to and never complains when I don’t.

”Happy anniversary,” I whisper into his mouth as I kiss him. (Because I want to.)

His lips are soft and sweet and I feel a pleasant shiver go down my spine. 

He always lets me lead, make all the decisions with our intimacy. I know that if I want something I will need to make it clear to him. 

So I deepen our kiss and it isn’t chaste and careful anymore. 

When I let my tongue linger on his lips he parts them and grants me access to his mouth. I feel his tongue against mine and I explore him, getting more turned on by the minute. 

My hands relocate to his shoulders and clench to him. Niall tightens his hold on my back. 

We’ve kissed like this a few times — with headier passion. 

However, it’s different this time. I both want and am ready for more.

My breathing is getting erratic. Niall’s heart is beating fast. When I start sucking on his lip, a moan escapes him. It makes my head spin from pleasure and arousal.

I lean back down the mattress, still embracing him and he follows after. 

Then I gently press myself into him and feel him — _all_ of him. 

Niall’s breath hitches and I kiss him again, letting go of any reservations I’ve ever put on myself.

It’s not the first time we’ve both been hard during snogging. But it’s the first time I feel him with my own body. 

”I want you,” I whisper into his mouth.

Niall grunts and detaches himself from my lips.

He watches me tentatively for a moment and then asks, ”Baz… Are you sure?”

”Yes, I’m sure,” I state with complete conviction.

”Do you want me?” I ask him because I need to be sure about him as well.

Niall laughs and it comes out almost hysterical. ”Crowley, Baz. I’ve wanted you since the fifth year,” he exclaims and then suddenly looks worried at me, almost scared.

I don’t want him to be anxious. I want to soothe his nerves. 

Even though I can’t be sure if he means it only in a way of physical attraction or as something more, I’m still willing to state out loud what I’m terrified of saying.

I take a deep breath, swallow, and finally tell him what I feel. ”I only realized it recently. I’ve been falling in love with you for years.”

Then I add, just so he won’t be uncomfortable for the admission, ”It’s alright if you don’t feel the same.”

Niall looks at me and I see tears in his eyes.

”You… Basil… I’ve been in love with you since we were _twelve_. I never thought this day would ever come.” For a moment I can’t believe my ears. Niall feels the same. 

How did I never notice? I feel that a part of me wants to think more about this, but I’m not going to let it do that. I’m too happy to think.

I want to say something, but there is too much I’m feeling at the moment to be able to speak.

How does one put into words everything we both had to go through, (especially Niall) to end up here — happy in each other’s arms? All the pain and all the suffering...  
  
Instead, I look in his beautiful eyes and whisper, ”Niall, _love_...”

He smiles at me, fresh tears rolling down his cheeks.

I kiss his tears away and kiss his lips, leaning into him with my body and my heart. It feels good, _so_ good.

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. 💙  
>   
> You’re welcome to yell at me for all the pain, (but please, not _too much_ and not _mean_ yelling.)  
>   
> I am very sorry for all the sadness. I can only hope that the happy outways the sad.  
>   
> If this story made you too sad and you’d like a bit of cheering up, here’s some of my Snowbaz happy smut where Simon is kind and cuddly and the best person ever, who loves Baz very much:  
>   
> [Summertime](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21792541/chapters/52001164) — multiple chapters.  
>   
> [How to lose a straight enemy in 10 easy steps](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23157277/chapters/55423396) — multiple chapters.  
>   
> [All it took was one glance](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23517976) — one shot.  
>   
> [Wanking my feelings away 2.0 edition](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23721121) — one shot.  
>   
> [The happiest moment of my life](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21825082) — one shot (this is a smut part of a longer fic.)  
>   
> [Simon’s Summer](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21646147) — one shot.  
> 


End file.
